You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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