I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
