Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
