$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
