I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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