I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
