I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
