wanna go halves on a baby?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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