Your face is a jimmy john
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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