so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
