You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize