im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
He has the fingertips of a God
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