So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
