Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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