So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
