so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
