i don't plan on having that self control this summer
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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