My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
