Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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