i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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