I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i wish my penis had a tongue
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
