Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
