I am spending my child support on dildos
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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