I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
