So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
