Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
