Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
