I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Randomize
