I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
