I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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