Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
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