well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
