dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
