My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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