Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
