saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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