I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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