i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I fill condoms, not promises.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
