I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
