No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
