i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
