Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I have post one night stand depression
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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