Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
