No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
