i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize