Dude my mom stole all your condoms
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Four minutes until I can fart!
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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