i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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