Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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