I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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