Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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