the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
