I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
