I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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