smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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