Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
