Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize