i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Randomize
