Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
