"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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