I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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