Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
