talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
