...so i touched it.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
