after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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