my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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